Why does George W. Bush like giving the tongue to Independent Fascist Joe Lieberman?
They're trying to scare people off gay marriage by showing what the two of them look like together.
Why does George W. Bush like mackin' it with Independent Fascist Joe Lieberman?
They're trying to emulate Dick Cheney's naughty, gay daughter in hopes of him giving them a spanking.
Why does Dick Cheney get booed off the field at Washington Nationals games?
It reminds everyone too much of George W. Bush getting to first base with Joe Lieberman.
Why does George W. Bush like playing tonsil tennis with Independent Fascist Joe Lieberman?
They were going to just play regular tennis at the country club, but the club let in an Asian member and they can't go back there.
Why does George W. Bush like swapping spit with Independent Fascist Joe Lieberman?
They're combining their saliva to target at racial minorities.
Why does George W. Bush keep several cases of dijon mustard on hand?
He's trying to be prepared, since all his criminal buddies are crying "Pardon me!"
Why do George Bush's budget plans not include the costs of occupying Iraq?
He was going to pay for it by selling all the WMDs they find.
Non-Originals: (source unknown, unless marked)
Jay Leno: "The US military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves."
Amy Poehler: "A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list."
Jay Leno: "Bush also went on to say that Bear Stearns is just going through a tough time and victory's just around the corner."
Jimmy Kimmel: "In his Economic Club of New York speech, President Bush "urged the businessmen and women in the audience not to overreact. And if you've ever seen the footage of him reading to the children on 9/11, you know one thing this guy doesn't do is overreact."
David Letterman: "Yesterday down in Washington DC, President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He...left in the seventh inning and I thought, 'Well, great, at least he has an exit strategy for that!'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "[Bush] also said that if you look at the numbers overall, even though things may seem bad right now, they're actually very, very good compared to how they're going to be."
Conan O'Brien: "President Bush is scheduled to take a trip to Africa. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'I'm looking forward to meeting the leader of the African-Americans.'"
Jay Leno: "Did you hear what President Bush said to the Pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' ... See, he didn't want to say 'dude' because it was a formal affair."
Craig Ferguson: "A new survey that came out today says that 98% of historians consider the Bush Presidency a failure. ... On the upside, those are Bush's highest poll numbers in years."
Jimmy Kimmel: "[George H.W. Bush] will endorse Sen. John McCain for president. The former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership, and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in."
Jay Leno: "President Bush said that last year an intelligence gap opened up. Last year? Didn't that open up about 2001, right after the inauguration?"
Jay Leno: "President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn't is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution?"
Bill Maher: "I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation."
Jay Leno: "Here is a...wonderful story. Last week, Frank Buckles, the oldest living American World War I veteran, 107 years old," visited "the White House and met with President Bush. Yeah. The sad part: After the meeting, Bush sent him to Iraq."
Jay Leno: "Yesterday, President Bush threw out the first pitch to open the Washington Nationals' new baseball park. It was high and to the right, just like to his tax cuts for the rich people."
Jay Leno: "I don't think President Bush is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, 'So, where's Mrs. Pope?'"
David Letterman: "President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish...right now. Yeah, in the same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now."
Jay Leno: "President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day."
Dubya was waiting for an elevator one day, and noticed a man to his right with a long white beard and robe to match, clutching a few stone tablets with his left arm and a staff with his right.
Dubya asked the man, "Say, aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling.
"Maybe he didn't hear me," Dubya muttered, and walked directly in front of the man.
"Say," Dubya repeated, "aren't you Moses?"
Again, the man ignored him and stared at the ceiling.
Now a bit confused, Dubya tugged on the man's robe, yelling, "Are you Moses?"
Finally, in an irritated tone, the man replied, "Yes, I am."
"Why didn't you answer me the first time?" Dubya asked.
Moses responded, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert..."
A driver is stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge, where the traffic is completely stationary.
A passer-by knocks on the driver's window, so the driver rolls it down and asks what's going on.
"Terrorists are holding George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Dennis Hastert for ransom," states the person on foot. "They say that if they don't get $100 million in unmarked bills, they're going to drench the three of them with gasoline and set them on fire. So, we're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" asks the driver.
The collector replies, "About a gallon."
Bushisms: (source unknown)
"And America needs a military where our breast and brightest are proud to serve, and proud to stay."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
"If you're a single mother with two children, which is the toughest job in America as far as I'm concerned, and you're working hard to put food on your family..."
"Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning?'"
"I know that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week... we will have an all-volunteer army!"
"There's an old saying in Tennessee... I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee... that says, fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me... you can't get fooled again."
"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"And so, in my State of the... my State of the Union... or state... my speech to the nation... whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation, I asked Americans to give 4,000 years... 4,000 hours over the next.... the rest of your life."
"I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town [Washington, D.C]. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental... supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."
"I want you to know. Karyn is with us... a West Texas girl, just like me."
"A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what's not on their mind."
"These are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th."
"I'm a strong proponent of the restoration of the wetlands, for a lot of reasons. There's a practical reason, though, when it comes to hurricanes: The stronger the wetlands, the more likely the damage of the hurricane."
