Where's the only place you can find a sensible Republican platform?
Payless Shoe Source.
Where can you find a Republican politician who's not currently taking bribes?
The cemetery.
How can The Industrial Revolution produce thousands of guns?
Write it, then erase "The Industrial R" and walk into a Republican convention.
What would it take for a Republican to understand macroeconomics?
Five fewer syllables.
Who are the SPs that Bill O'Reilly hates so much?
Smart people.
What's the biggest problem with the idea of intelligent design?
It doesn't explain why Republicans are made.
What's the most common name for the smartest member of a Republican household?
Rover.
Who is the first person a Republican calls when he learns his wife just landed her first professional job?
The cops. She's obviously a witch.
Did you hear about the new Republican-built computers?
Me neither.
When will scientists cure the common cold?
Actually, they already did but Republican pharmacists won't dispense it because they mistook it for birth control.
When are businesses going to be free of the effects of the credit crunch?
When Larry Craig stops using all the bags with the capital to block the view of his gay footsie moves.
What challenge do the Republicans face that is greater than finding a way to regain their majority in Congress?
Finding lingerie that can fit Richard Curtis.
What do you say to a Republican with integrity?
"Nice mousepad. Even better than the Attitude one you used to use."
How do you tell the bride at a Republican wedding?
She's the one who already has her braces on.
What did the Republican say when he sat on a tack?
"Ouch, my face!"
How big is a Republican-size bed?
Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.
How big is a Republican-size pair of pants?
Long enough for the man, the women's underwear, and the two-inch pole.
Where do you find the most qualified candidates for Republican nominations?
On DVD.
How do you keep a Republican busy for a week?
Turn on the spell checker.
What event signals two more weeks of winter for social conservative P.R.?
When it's "rough week" in Richard Curtis's bedroom.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton's adultery that David Vitter attacked him for, calling for him to resign, and David Vitter's adultery from the same time, which he won't resign for?
About $300 an hour.
David Vitter often attacked Bill Clinton for not resigning for his adultery scandal. David Vitter just admitted to committing adultery while attacking Clinton, but refuses to resign. What does this make him? With just one major scandal, the current cleanest member of the Republican Party.
If you have six apples and give a Republican five, how many apples will you have?
Eight. Because of course, once you give the Republican five, everyone in the world will get seven by magic.
What do you have to remember when you visit a Republican art museum?
You have to stare through the picture to see the spaceship.
How will Republicans wage wars once they drain the Strategic Petroleum Reserve?
Balloons. There's certainly enough hot air coming out of their mouths.
Do Republicans get mad reading all these jokes about them?
Don't be ridiculous. Republicans can't read.
Non-Originals: (source unknown)
Jay Leno: "It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy."
Jay Leno: "Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment."
Conan O'Brien: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news, which always makes me happy. That's right. This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. ... Yeah, Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, 'Hello, girly men.'"
David Letterman: "Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia."
Rush Limbaugh was riding down a country road in his limo, when his driver accidentally hit and killed a pig. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, and the chauffeur got out. He knocked on the front door and was let in, but remained inside for a surprisingly long time. When the chauffeur returned, Limbaugh asked what had taken so long.
"Well," the driver explained, "when I went in, the farmer shook my hand and offered me a beer. Then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
A Republican senator, having just died, appears in Heaven, where he runs into St. Peter at the entrance.
The Republican is opening the gates, when Peter declares, "Not so fast..."
"I take it," Peter continues, "that nobody has explained the procedure to you yet..."
"What's the procedure?" asks the Republican.
"Everyone who has just made it to the afterlife," Peter continues, "has to spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, so that they can choose one for spending eternity."
"That's okay," the Republican replies. "I'll be fine just taking Heaven."
"I'm afraid," Peter interjects, "that I'm not allowed to skip the part about the first two days."
"Rules are rules," Peter explains.
"Rules?" the Republican asks, puzzled. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that..."
"Off to Hell you go," Peter declares before the Republican can finish, pulling a lever.
The Republican senator looks around and realizes that he is on an escalator going down.
"Oh, H-E-double hockey sticks..." the Republican mutters as the escalator reaches the bottom.
A set of double doors opens, and the senator walks through and sees that he's on a golf course.
The course is quite verdant and the air is crisp, and an elegant clubhouse lies in the distance.
Some men in fine evening wear rush out to greet him, and the Republican realizes that they are his friends from the Senate's Republican caucus, as well as some friends he had from the House of Representatives and the State Senate.
The senator joins them for their game, and then for a seven-course dinner including lobster and champagne.
The group is joined by the devil, a pale fellow in a flight jacket, with big ears and brown hair that is now mainly gray.
Everyone is very happy, and they laugh, joke, and tell stories about the old times, with all the kickbacks they took, the lies they told, and the stupid people they manipulated with fear and calls to nationalism.
As the night is drawing to a close, the Republican senator turns to the devil to address him.
"You know," states the Republican senator, "H-E-double hockey sticks is nothing like I thought it was going to be."
"And it's so weird that you're the devil," he continues, "and that you seem so much smarter down here."
"Always the one you least suspect, eh?" the devil asks.
"Well, actually..." the senator mutters but is cut off by the devil.
"I'm afraid that it's time for your day in Heaven, though," notes the devil, pulling a lever.
Again, the Republican is on an escalator, but going up.
"Oh, fudgesicles," the Republican mutters. "Why do I have to go to this Heaven place?"
Soon, he reaches St. Peter again, and goes through the double doors.
The Republican finds himself in a place with black marble floors and moving, color lights.
Some rock music is playing noticeably in the background, but the senator can't figure out the source.
"This is that stuff that's probably filled with the backwards lyrics about not sitting still and obeying," the Republican mutters.
Just then, he notices that he's being met by six females who each look about twenty-one, with gorgeous faces and thick, wavy hair, flat stomachs, tight butts, and long, thin legs, clad in revealing lingerie and high heels.
"What are these odd, sinful creatures?" the Republican muttered. "And why does one look like the players from that Negro League. Their kind isn't supposed to be allowed in..."
His musings were cut off by one of the girls, who said, "Hi, I hear you're new here. We try to give everyone a nice welcome, so you get all six of us. You want to go upstairs?"
"Why?" the Republican asked. "Is O'Reilly playing on a TV there?"
The girl giggled, then said, "No, we were going to play."
"Bingo?" the Republican inquired, excited. "Great, I'm a master at G52!"
"No," the girl responded, giggling again. "we had something better in mind. Actually, you can have me first, all three ways."
"Wait," the Republican responded, confused, "so we'll do regular Bingo, then corners, and postage stamp?"
The girl, now very amused, contined, "Actually, we can..." then leaned over and whispered in his ear.
The Republican yelped, and then ran into the bathroom, where he locked the door and crouched down by the toilet, in tears.
After an hour, he managed to crawl up, where he saw some dispensers on the wall.
"Why, these are those sin balloons," he noted, before picking up a bottle next to the sink and wondering, "and what is this odd, gooey substance?"
Eventually, the night passed, and he heard a knocking on the door.
"Are you okay in there?" called Peter. "Because it's time for you to make your decision..."
The Republican senator cautiously opened the door, and peered around to make sure the girls were gone.
"You've experienced a day in Heaven and a day in Hell," Peter noted. "So where would you like to spend eternity?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this after all I'd heard on Earth," the Republican replied, "but I much preferred the other place... you know, H-E-double hockey sticks. I'd like to go there."
"Sure thing, Republican," Peter responds while reaching for a lever, "go to Hell."
Before he knows it, the Republican senator is back on the escalator, heading down.
"Fine and dandy," notes the Republican as the double doors open.
He walks out and finds himself in a barren land, covered with garbage and with flames occasionally bursting from the ground.
His friends are in rags, picking up endless streams of trash and getting poked with pitchforks, as they move along a floor of hot
coals.
The devil appears and the senator approaches him.
"I don't get it," cries the Republican. "Yesterday I played golf and drank champagne. My friends had fancy clothing and the land was picturesque. This place looks painful, and everyone looks miserable. What happened?"
Grinning, the devil replies, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
