Is there a lot of competition to be John McCain's #2 person for November?
No, he already has a proctologist.
You might be John McCain if...
Your plan to pay for billions of dollars a year in tax cuts and lowered Medicare premiums consists of rejecting earmarks and going on The Price Is Right.
Why does John McCain only care about uniting the Republican Party instead of uniting the country like Barack Obama?
McCain already got his national unification in during the Civil War.
Why does John McCain want to stop fueling the Strategic Petroleum Reserve even though the military is already at "war" in Iraq?
Strategic reserves are only good when you have a strategy.
Why does John McCain want U.S. troops to spend 100 years in Iraq?
Well, any longer than that and it'd be a significant portion of his life.
Why does John McCain want to stop fueling the Strategic Petroleum Reserve even though the military is already at "war" in Iraq?
He produces more than enough gas after 7:00.
Why do John McCain's budget plans not even call for a year with a balanced budget until after he crosses the male life expectancy?
He's just making a realistic guess for how long it'll take him to learn to use a calculator.
Why does the media call John McCain a maverick?
They're thinking of Maverick, a bad acting job by a right-wing nutcase.
Why does John McCain want to loot the funds for highway maintenance for a shortsighted summer of no gas taxes?
The way he's got the currency heading, nobody will have gas for the highway anyway.
Why does John McCain label his plans to elminate the overwhelmingly upper class-paid AMT "a middle-class tax cut"?
Just wait until you see what the upper-class tax cuts look like.
Why does John McCain's extensive national security experience not include knowing that Sunni Al Qaeda wouldn't be trained in Iran because it's Shiite?
Republicans are taught not to learn naughty words like that.
Why does John McCain "straight talk" consists of trying to have it censored if someone labels his very pro-"war" candidacy as him being a "warmonger"?
He's fine with the straight talk, just not the big words.
Non-Originals:
Conan O'Brien: "The New York Times just reported that John McCain may be constitutionally barred from becoming president because he was born outside the United States in the Panama Canal Zone. Yeah. Yeah, when he heard this, McCain said, 'That's ridiculous. When I was born, there was no Panama Canal.'"
Conan O'Brien: "After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries, he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' Yeah. When Obama heard this, he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old, and not sure where I am.'"
Jay Leno: "And John McCain said today one of the reasons we are in a recession is because of the very 'greedy' people on Wall Street. Then he thanked those people for their...campaign contributions."
Jay Leno: "Well, you know, he's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? 'Clap on, clap off.'"
Jay Leno: "According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist."
Conan O'Brien: "A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has...'a spine of steel.' ... Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, 'Oh, yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip.'"
Jay Leno: "John McCain having trouble raising money. You know, a lot of people think he's raising money the old guy way. You know, with the metal detector at the beach."
Conan O'Brien: "Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news [because he is] trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Yeah. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys."
Craig Ferguson: "It looks like John McCain clinched the nomination earlier this evening. He was very excited when they woke him up to tell him."
Jay Leno: "I guess you heard this story by now. 'The New York Times' 'alleging' that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female lobbyist. I haven't seen McCain this angry since 'Matlock' was canceled."
Conan O'Brien: "This week, John McCain is on a tour of what he calls Forgotten Places in America. Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere."
Conan O'Brien: "I should be excited because this is a historic night for television. ... Earlier tonight, all three -- I don't think this has ever happened before -- all three presidential candidates appeared on 'American Idol.' That's true, yeah. ... It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, 'Wait; there's a black guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!'"
David Letterman: "Scientists... I believe in Norway... have located, identified, and verified 8,000-year-old Norway spruce trees... the oldest living things on the planet. The good news is that takes some of the heat off John McCain."
Jay Leno: "In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates, [and it turns out] they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. ... You know what it is? Three."
Jay Leno: "Politics is getting more and more interesting now. According to the insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. That would be interesting, don't you think? Condoleezza Rice, John McCain. Kind of like ebony and ornery."
David Letterman: "Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 am phone call, and McCain says he is ready for the 3 pm nap."
David Letterman: "[John McCain] looks like the guy who brags oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol."
David Letterman: "Do you folks like John McCain? He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys."
David Letterman: "[John McCain] looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash."
David Letterman: "[John McCain] looks like the kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches."
David Letterman: "I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who is still complaining about the designated hitter."
