You Might Be a Republican If...

Originals:


1. You might be a Republican if...
   You've ever complained about liberal bias in the obituaries section.
2. You might be a Republican if...
   Your electric chair has a kite with a key on it.
3. You might be a Republican if...
   You'll spend $20 billion guarding a bridge against the possibility of a terrorist attack, but won't spend 20 cents to keep it from falling down on its own.
4. You might be a Republican if...
   You think a Lynch film is a documentary on race relations.
5. You might be a Republican if...
   You think spooning is something you do at Dairy Queen.
6. You might be a Republican if...
   You think smeared bagels are victims of the New York Times.
7. You might be a Republican if...
   You think the right to free assembly is talking about construction companies.
8. You might be a Republican if...
   You have to number the entries of "Hate Week" on your calendar.
9. You might be a Republican if...
   Your desk has a drawer for holding computer punchcards.
10. You might be a Republican if...
    You classify an elegant dinner as one that needs holes punched in the plastic.

Non-Originals: (from Ted Panitz's site)


1. You might be a Republican if...
   You've named your kids Deduction One and Deduction Two.
2. You might be a Republican if...
   You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
3. You might be a Republican if...
   You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
4. You might be a Republican if...
   You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
5. You might be a Republican if...
   You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
6. You might be a Republican if...
   You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
7. You might be a Republican if...
   You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
8. You might be a Republican if...
   You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
9. You might be a Republican if...
   You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
10. You might be a Republican if...
    You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
11. You might be a Republican if...
    You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
12. You might be a Republican if...
    You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
13. You might be a Republican if...
    You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
14. You might be a Republican if...
    You've ever called education a luxury.
15. You might be a Republican if...
    You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
16. You might be a Republican if...
    You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
17. You might be a Republican if...
    When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."